Follow that Lada!

I've had some crazy taxi rides in my time but Odessa has to be my favourite place to hail, haggle for, and hire a cab. First you need to stop one, simply stand at the side of the road and look for a car with a taxi sign on the roof. When you're quite sure it has gone past you, stick your hand out and flag down one of the hundreds of Ladas that roar across the cobbles day and night. After it has stopped and you have the attention of the driver, simply state your desired location (usually the beach or the nightclub strip) and hopefully he will stick 2 fingers up at you! This is a good thing as it signals his intent to charge you 20 Hryvnia (2 quid) for the entire 5 mile trip. In Norway you could multiply this by at least 10!

Next comes the journey, so crouch down and get in the car... This is not as straightforward as it sounds and the driver will either have to open the door for you from inside or get out and clout the handle on your behalf, you are then free to climb inside a 4 wheeled version of the Soviet Union. The seat, which cannot be adjusted, is usually bolt upright, hard and very close to the cracked windscreen. A natural reaction at this point is to reach for the seatbelt but but you soon realise that it would only hinder your exit when the crash happens and probably doesn't work anyway.

So off we go, well, if we can get it in gear! The path to 1st is via 2nd or 3rd, depending on how loud the griding noise is, before the surprisingly nippy vehicle hurtles down the street ignoring other cars, corners and unwitting Russian holidaymakers. If you are not yet relaxed and enjoying your journey, you can pay some attention to the driver who has not stopped talking, or maintaining eye contact, since the gearbox was put in it's place all those seconds ago. Dumb expressions and shrugged shoulders do not convey your lack of understanding of high speed Russian speech in any way so it's best to gamble with your 'Da' and 'Nyet' in the right places as well as looking serious/happy/concerned or all 3.

You are now halfway to your destination. If there is a window and it is up you may not be able to lower it as the handle usually not present, this shouldn't be too much of a problem as the cab is about to stop. Why have we stopped? More customers of course! Anyone who wants to go roughly in the same direction as you, i.e. Europe, can join in the fun at any time and before you've even caught a glimpse of them, we're off again and getting ready to turn left.

To turn left in an Odessan taxi, simply close your eyes and realise that it's not been such a bad life so far, you've stolen plenty of stationery from the office over the years and any debts you have will simply become someone Else's problem. The wheels go left, the body of the car goes right and somehow you end up pointing in the intended direction. The driver, who is still staring at you, then indicates for the last time as you're about to hit the beach and by hit I mean smash into!

Once stationery, get him to open the door, pay him and say "Spaseebuh Khorosho", you are then free to take that 'oh so welcome' lungful of sea air, and stand once more on terra firma. The fact that there are 201 steps to walk down doesn't even enter your mind and before long you're on a beach with beer & babes looking like a tub of cream on the chocolate pudding shelf!